Fighting Like A Girl

Entry Two: Navigating Male Martial Arts

"Rule Two: Hit the other guy."

If there was one thing that was immediately clear to me upon taking up swordfighting - it was that I was going to be significantly outnumbered by dudes. I understood and accepted this, but it didn't stop me from also immediately noticing the ways in which this gender disparity manifested itself. My very first class saw me followed around by a fellow student, roughly ten years my senior, who seemed to be more interested in 'playfully' hitting me with the hand-guard of his singlestick than paying attention to the instructor. From what I could tell, this seemed to be his way of demonstrating that he was taking an interest in me. This took me back to my kindergarten days, as I remembered (not particularly fondly) being told that a boy hitting and pushing me was simply his way of "showing he likes you!". I have always despised that we teach our little girls to be flattered by male demonstrations of aggression - like we should be taking it as a compliment. It sets a terribly dangerous precedent that will stay with the girl for a very long time. 

I can attest to this, because what did I do about this annoying man who continuously tapped me with his stick? Not a damn thing. Call it nervousness about it being the first class, call it not wanting to make a fuss so early on, the point was that already I was being made to feel uncomfortable, not even an hour into my nice new hobby. Fortunately for me, this particular student didn't return after the first week. That didn't stop me from imagining all the ways I would force myself to hypothetically confront him about his behaviour if he were to return. This was emotional labor I didn't need to be doing. This dude probably didn't think twice about me after leaving that night - but I still subconsciously scan the room when I walk into class to make entirely sure he hasn't decided to suddenly return. It's not as if I fear having to deal with him, I just shouldn't even have to concern myself over the possibility of having to have that uncomfortable exchange. 

If you're reading this, Aforementioned Dude: 

C'mon. 

Here is where I feel a disclaimer coming on. I do not enjoy playing the victim. I realize that in speaking about my experiences there may be some sense of 'woe is me' arising and I'd like to avoid this blog being read in that way. I am continuing with HEMA out of a desire to improve myself - and I feel that unpacking my experiences, both positive and negative, can only be helpful. If anything I write comes across as agenda-driven, attention seeking, what have you... Well, I suppose there isn't a lot I can do about that. I plan to be honest about my perspective and I imagine it will be interpreted in many different ways, which suits me just fine.

Overkeen Guy has not been my only uncomfortable experience in my short six weeks of sabre training, sadly. You begin to think of these things as unavoidable when you're so outnumbered. The tiny offhand remarks don't amount to much in the grand scheme of things, but they do serve to remind me that I am The Other. As if I am here because You have been kind enough to allow me a little bit of space, provided I don't try to take up too much more. 

But I don't want this to become self-pitying or melodramatic. Our instructor is wonderfully inclusive, perceptive and sensitive - and I am very grateful to have, mostly by chance, picked a school with such a fantastic teacher. And it isn't as if I am the only woman, there are several other formidable ladies who I am always happy to drill alongside each week. Maybe they have experienced none of the things I have during their time in the HEMA world. Perhaps I am simply cherry-picking the bad and ignoring all of the good. There are a lot of wonderful guys in the class who I always look forward to chatting and training with - however, in the end, it is my estimation that they and I are going to experience our swordfighting careers quite differently. None of them are coming to class with a subtle but ever-present anxiety about being hassled by fellow students (or so I presume). 

I don't believe any of these boys are going to struggle with taking up and owning the space required to properly spar because they were never taught to shrink themselves. For most of them, learning a martial art seems like a given - a natural extension of behaviour that has been normalized and encouraged for them throughout their lives. For a girl to take up a martial art, she is actively fighting against what she has been taught, whether overtly or more insidiously: to be passive, to be soft, to be quiet. While I don't yet know if I believe that being a woman in HEMA is necessarily ultimately harder than being a man, I do know that it comes with a different set of considerations that, honestly, may have never even occurred to most men.

And that's a dialogue that we should all be having. 

Photo credit: HBO